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You're probably wondering what that title is doing there.  Well I have been realizing lately that this word "No" doesn't get used by me very much.  This happens for two reasons:

1.) I find that I am typically a people pleaser, and telling someone "sorry I'm not doing that" tends to feel like a heart to the dagger when I'm putting myself in their shoes.
2.) I tend to think that I may be "missing out on something" if I don't do something or go somewhere that someone is asking me to.

What usually happens is I will a.) go or do something maybe even thinking it "could be" self-honoring, but most importantly because I was asked, and end up piling too much into a time period because of all the requests; b.) go or do something because if I don't I will "miss out", when typically in hind-sight that's not the case; c.) go or do something when I may have committed to something prior, and end up letting down those closest to me; or d.) I remain soooo optimistic that I will be able to go or do something, full well knowing that it probably won't happen with my schedule, then end up letting someone down last minute.

So, how do I address this "No" thing?  It doesn't support me in self-honoring by saying "Yes" to everything.  It doesn't support me in what I say I want in creating a life which is wealthy and abundant in family, success and friendship.  So, how can it look?

Please take a minute to read this passage in The Greatest Networker in the World - by John Milton Fogg to understand what it is I really want:




“Every day’s a horse show day – in the Spring,” he said. “I thought today 
was clear. I’ll have to check my Commitment Book. I know we have an 
appointment for dinner,” he added. 


“Commitment Book?” I asked. 


“Like an appointment book,” he answered. 


“You make appointments with your family?” The idea of that fascinated me. 


“Yup,” he answered, “with Rachel and the kids, too.” 


“Ah . . . ” I asked hesitatingly, “would you tell me about that?” 


“Sure. What do you want to know?” he asked. 


“Well, it seems strange to make appointments with your own family,” I said. 


“That’s a nice opinion,” he said. Then he repeated, “So, what did you want 
to know?” 


“Well, ah . . . it seems a little cold – doesn’t it?” 
“Not to me,” he answered. “It works for us. I make business appointments 
and I make family appointments. Making them helps me keep them. They’re 
my commitments.” 


“But,” I said, “doesn’t that take the spontaneity out of things?” 
“Just the opposite,” he said. “That’s one way I make certain I have the time 
for being spontaneous.” He noted my puzzled look. “Let me explain. 
“There was a time when my family took second place to my work. Truth is, 
far-distant second. I love working. There’s nothing in this world I’d rather 
do. And because of that, I was putting my family second. I’d get to them 
when it was convenient – when there was ‘free time’ after my business was 
completed. 


“Well, at one point I noticed there never was any ‘free time.’ Every time 
some space would show up, so would something to fill it. I had my life all 
scheduled and no time for them – and no time for myself, for that matter



“So I asked, what’s missing? What did I need to do to make the time I 
wanted to be with my family, and to do the things I wanted to do for 
myself, as well? 


“Two things were missing,” he said, “and the first was simple: making a 
commitment and keeping it. I knew I could do that. I was making business
commitments – and keeping darn near every one of those. It seemed a 
simple matter to me – not necessarily easy, but simple. If I could do that 
with my business, there was no reason I couldn’t do it with every other area 
of my life. 


“So, I started making appointments for specific times to be with Rachel and 
the kids. I told them what I was doing and why, and they agreed to help me 
keep the appointments I made with them, because we all saw them as 
commitments now – not just appointments. 


“I made dates with Rachel – dinner dates, dates to watch videos after the 
kids went to sleep, we even scheduled a couple of weekend seminars at 
local hotels. I’ll let you figure out what the subject matter was. 


“Rachel and I scheduled 30 minutes every day at 9:00 in the morning to 
talk with each other about what was happening in our work and lives. When 
either of us was traveling, we did that over the phone. 


“I made appointments with Bobby, too. I hired him as my ‘Fun Coach,’ 
because I saw that fun was missing as well – you know, ‘All work and no 
play . . . ’ Bobby’d take me out and play ball – which is how I became a teeball coach, by the way. We’d go for walks, have adventures. I just let him  be the coach and show me what to do. 


“Rebecca was a bit more difficult at first. Her only suggestion – outside of 
horses – was to have me go shopping with her. Dad as wallet. I’d already 
mastered that one, so we stuck with horses. 


“I hadn’t ridden in, gee . . . ” he closed his eyes, thinking, “ . . . in almost 
20 years. And then only in a Western saddle. She taught me English-style 
riding. She taught me to jump, too. It’s great. She’s a wonderful teacher, 
and now, I have two lessons a week with her. Dad as student, client and 
paying customer. 


“The question of ‘cold’ or ‘spontaneous’ never occurs to me. What’s 
important is, does this way of doing things empower me and empower my 
family? It has – for years. So, I conclude – it works. It may not work for 
you.”  -The Greatest Networker in the World - by John Milton Fogg

This passage describes what I would like to achieve.  I recently had a huge realization that I am not only "over-committed", but that I am also generally not enjoying the "over-commitments" while in them, and saying "Yes" to everything was creating this vicious cycle.  This realization even revealed a new layer of the onion in that I thought I was "Self-honoring" (which I was, to my "then" knowledge), however, I was still choosing distraction during time I would commit to, and was not totally surrendering (last blog) to the moment, and being present.  For instance, if I was to have some friends drop by, my immediate thought of "Self-honoring" was: "I got the beers, everyone jump into your suits and lets head to the hot tub!"  In so many cases I was thinking that "Self-honoring" was simply "Not Working", and that meant "Party".  What I realized I was actually doing was choosing distraction, just like I had been doing with work.  Don't get me wrong, not that it wasn't fun, it was just not creating what I say I want, in each of these instances.  However, I wasn't taking time to really "be with" myself or others.

So, my new commitment is to do just that.  I will not be counting hours from here on out unless they are hours I spend completely present in that moment, and not choosing distraction.  I realize that I am the judge in all this, and I think that makes it all the better, because if I cannot judge this accurately during this goal, then I never will be able.

The summary of this is, I will be going with "No" much more frequently in the efforts of Self-honoring, rather than yes coupled with over-commitment!

Total Time to date: 55.34 hours - 74% of my goal!!